In which areas of your life are you saying yes when you really want to say no, because you are afraid of the consequences of a no?

Maybe you take on an extra project at work, even if you know it will burden you.

Maybe someone asked for your time or energy, and you hear your mouth saying “sure, no problem,” even if it actually is a problem.

If someone asks for your opinion, do you say what you think they want to hear? Or do you share what is true for you?

You might think being agreeable or being the yes person at work is just you being helpful, kind, and generous.

The truth is, this has little to do with being kind.

Today, I’m talking about the misunderstood behavior so many high-achieving women struggle with: people-pleasing.

We’ll explore why it’s not really about pleasing others, but about keeping yourself emotionally safe — and how learning to say no can actually deepen connection, not destroy it.

People Pleasing Is About Control, Not Kindness

For all the people pleasers out there, saying no can be tricky.

You want to be helpful.

It feels good to say yes.

To be helpful. To be able to unload someone’s burden.

The problem is, if you do this over time, you risk becoming emotionally exhausted — and even severely ill.

Diseases like autoimmune diseases and ALS have been correlated with people-pleasing.

This might sound controversial, but the thing with people-pleasing is that the term isn’t fully accurate.

The end goal is not to please someone else.

The end goal is to ensure your own emotional safety.

The reason why it’s so easy to say yes and so difficult to say no is because a no threatens your safety.

Just let that sink in for a while.

The People Pleaser is Your Inner Four Year Old

Imagine a moment in your life where you felt like you had to say yes — and maybe did — even if you wanted to say no.

Maybe one of your family members called and asked for help.

Maybe your boss asked you to take extra responsibility.

Maybe your partner asked for your time.

Just for a moment, imagine that situation. Bring it into your mind.

Play the scene in your head, and when it’s your time to respond, see yourself saying no.

Either just no and full stop.

 No, thank you. Or no, not right now.

What happens in your body?

Do you feel any constriction anywhere?

Anything uncomfortable?

And then notice your thoughts.

What would happen if you said no?

Do you think the other person will think you are difficult,  too much, unreasonable, unhelpful, selfish?

And what would happen if you were seen as selfish or too much? Do you think the other person would leave you, punish you in some way?

Now imagine that these feelings belong to the 4-year-old you.

For the 4-year-old, it’s very scary to risk being abandoned or punished.  It causes a lot of internal stress for the child.

It will do everything it can to avoid it. Adapting to the needs of others is one way.

That’s what I’m talking about when I say that your safety is threatened.

And when your safety is threatened, your brain and body react to protect you from the danger.

In this case, the danger is not being likeable. Because being likeable reduces the risk of rejection, which ultimately protects you from death.

On a nervous system level, pleasing people is sometimes called fawning.

The fawn response is not a primary autonomic nervous system response in the same way that fight, flight, or freeze are.

It’s often understood as a learned survival strategy, especially in childhood, when fighting back, running away, or shutting down didn’t work or weren’t safe options.

Even though it’s not technically a pure nervous system reflex, it’s deeply tied to nervous system states — often masking a shutdown or freeze response under a socially acceptable smile.

So you’re shut down or dissociated internally, but still smiling, nodding, and “being good” on the outside.

And saying yes, even if you want to say no.

This is why pleasing people has nothing to do with being nice.

It has nothing to do with helping others, being of service, or giving.

A people pleaser is only focused on themselves.

How to Recognize True Giving vs. Emotional Bargaining

So does this mean you shouldn’t help others or be there for others?

Of course not.

It’s about distinguishing true help from the people-pleasing kind.

With practice and curiosity, you’ll start to notice when you are giving because you want to and have capacity to give — and when you are giving to get safety.

Giving to get something is a form of manipulation.

Help that comes with emotional strings isn’t genuine support. It’s power disguised as generosity.

It might seem counterintuitive, but people-pleasing is a form of trying to maintain control or power — not over others, but over how you are perceived, and whether you stay safe, liked, or needed.

When you aren’t giving from a genuine place, you are left feeling drained, disconnected, and resentful.

The familiar story shows up:

“I always give and give and I always help everyone with everything, but no one does anything for me, ever.”

That resentment comes from the part of you, who is disappointed that the love the people-pleaser was seeking never came.

I’m sharing this only because I think it can be helpful. It’s not to label you as a manipulator.

For me, the realization that I’m actually doing people a disservice by trying to please them made it easier to start practicing saying no and speaking my needs.

I realized that people actually liked and respected me when I let them know what I want and need.

In this way, I used my people-pleasing tendencies to my advantage.

When you set boundaries, you are informing other people how to treat you. This makes people feel safe around you.

If you always say “I’m good,” “Whatever works for me,” you are leaving it to the other person to figure out how to act.

And it’s likely they will act in a way that crosses your boundaries.

And when this happens, there’s disconnection.

This is why people-pleasing is an intimacy killer. The resentment will contaminate your relationship with the other person.

Setting boundaries doesn’t have to be dramatic. It’s not about dumping truth bombs onto someone and justifying it with “oh but this is how I feel.”

You can learn to set boundaries with compassion and clarity.

And sometimes the healthy thing is to help someone in need, even if you are tired and actually want to say no.

Let’s say a friend calls and is really upset and asks for your attention or help —  in this case I’d say that showing up with compassion might be the right thing to do.

Doing this isn’t harmful once in a while. What we are after are consistent patterns.

So ask yourself:

Where in your life’s important areas are you not saying no?

With whom and in which situations? And even if you do say no, do you do so reluctantly or apologetically? And do you feel guilty afterward?

Reflect and see what comes up.

I’ll end there for today.

Remember that you aren’t helping anyone by being agreeable and accommodating all the time.

Saying no doesn’t make you selfish.

It makes your yes meaningful.

It makes you trustworthy.

It makes your support and your presence real.

And if this episode resonated, take a moment to share it with someone who might need to hear it.

This is how we start changing the story—together.

Until next time — keep walking your self love path.